Heart of a warrior

It's been more than 4 years since I failed the bar exam, and here I am blogging again about bar exam reform. I've never read a law book ever since and hearing anything about bar exam makes me feel uncomfortable. I just lived a life far from the law except helping friends here and there about their legal problems needing basic legal opinion.

One lady friend asked me few days ago if I still plann to take the bar exam. My answer was "of course!". But deep inside, I knew there was no fire within me to launch a bar review preparation that will again stir my brain, fatigue my body, shock my emotion and most of all drain by finances for another adventure of a life time.

To be honest, I feel that Bar exam preparation is the cruelest thing an academic person has to go through. Cruel in a way that the preparation is too long and stressful. You have to read millions of words to understand things that 90 percent of it you will not actually use if you pass the bar.

If I will take the bar exam again, I need at least a P 150,000 fund, 1 year reading, new set of updated books and most of all, the courage to go through all the pain again just for that hope of  becoming a lawyer. At 38, I feel I still have the endurance and toughness.

On the other side, if there is one thing that will make my study easier this time is because I am now separated with my wife. I felt my wife contributed to my flunking the bar twice because we were always fighting at the time I took the 2 bar exams in 2005 and 2006. I remember crying inside the examination room minutes after the 2006 bar exam have ended. I have to let all my frustrations and pains go because my wife simply kept bugging me with jealousy and troubles at home at the very week of Bar exam. How can a wife be so un-suportive? I provided everything she needs just to let me take the Bar. She simply wants something more.

My wife's reason of bugging me was because we have no house to live on our own. So I stopped reviewing for the bar exam after failing twice and built her a house in small land where the government are awarding the rights as part of Urban housing program. After I finished the house for 3 long years, I sighed deep and talked to her that it was time for me go back to my review and fulfill my dream. She said OK. But she made our home like hell by fighting with all the neighbors and beating all housemaids that I provided her. I warned her last time and she accused me of having an affair with the house helper who was my first cousin. I've had enough and I left her. The rest is history. She is now in Kuwait for good. I fell I can do this with out her.

Honestly, I felt rusted, outdated, worn out and too old to go back to the warrior I once was. But I felt I have an unfinished business with the Supreme Court. The bar exam procedure has also improve with the multiple choice exam. I don't know, I am to take it one day at a time to bring my self back to my old form. One thing is for sure though, I still have the heart of Warrior.