Thoughts of a Bar flunker

Bad news!

“Sori sir, ur nem s not in d list” this was the text message I got from a friend just few minutes after the Supreme Court released the new lists of Bar successful examinees. For a few seconds my heart stopped beating… my whole body felt numb. I prayed that my friend was only joking. Something must be wrong…. or an error must have occurred…

I called my friend through his cell phone to verify the bad news… he answered me with a serious tone telling me he can’t find my name. He sounded like a doctor telling a patient about a malignant cancer. I lost the courage to insist that he look again for my name. A friend like him cannot afford to break such bad news if he’s not certain about it.

After that short cell phone conversation, I lost my sense of time. I wish I was only dreaming. I wish there is some kind of rewind or replay of time so I can push some button and reverse everything that just happened in the last few minutes. I lost interest in everything. Every second that passed was so painful and full of sadness. It took an eternity for me accept that I failed the Bar exams.

After about 10 minutes, I regained my senses. I decided to face the truth. I need to inform the most hopeful people, my family, that their ‘bet’ had just flunked the Bar. In a very apologetic manner and deepest humiliation, I told my parents that “I failed the Bar exam”. Their faces went blank and were not sure how to react. I guess they were more worried of how I feel, than how to react with the bad news. Forget about the Php 120,000.00 I owed them and about Php 100,000 of my forgone salary for six months review and bar exam in Manila. It is time for them to support me in the saddest time of my life. They stood with me in absorbing the news like knives that sunk deeply in our hearts.

In the next 3 minutes, I sent text messages to every person closed to me that: “I did not pass the Bar. Bad news! ” Few minutes later, I got tons of messages full of support and consolations. They were all comforting, yet not enough to erase my grief. I suddenly fear every second, minute and hour that has to come…I dreaded the thought of becoming a certified Bar Flunker. Now, it’s a reality.

I won’t quit

Less than an hour after the “bomb’ exploded, I discovered that I remained intact physically, mentally and emotionally. Yet, with my pride broken into pieces and my confidence totally melted, to live and move forward became meaningless. I could see the Bar exams like a monster teasing and taunting me after it hit me with a mortal blow. I was defeated.

I then realized that I need to stand up and fight back to death. I don’t want to live in humiliation and cowardice. I told my self to ask for a “rematch”. I suddenly found new strength within me when I remember that my original plan was a long term battle of three (3) Bar exams if ever I failed in my first attempt.

After experiencing the most horrible 2 hours of my life, I went out from my room and announced to my family that I am taking the next Bar exam to come. After that, I felt my pride and confidence slowly reappeared within me like a newly planted seed, fragile and tiny, yet full of life and hope that I can conquer and finally overcome the monster Bar Exam that defeated me 2 hours ago.

I was mortally wounded yet alive. I was totally devastated yet hopeful. I will conquer the bar exams no matter what!